10 Marriage Myths
Dr. Orbuch shares research-based tips and advice for married couples, drawing from her findings as project director for the NIH-funded Early Years of Marriage Project (1986-present), and her work as research scientist at the Institute for Social Research at University of Michigan.
1. Going to bed mad is bad. Resolving conflicts when one or both partners is tired or in a highly emotional state doesn’t work. It’s better to sleep on it, and schedule a talk when you’re rested and have some perspective.
2. Opposites attract. Research shows that similarities are what keep people together for the long term. There is no danger in having too much in common with your spouse.
3. Women fall in love quicker than men do. Actually, men fall in love more quickly than women do, and are more likely to believe in love at first sight. Studies show that women are more selective and cautious in whom they love.
4. Conflict is a sign of marital trouble. The best and longest lasting relationships are those that have a healthy does of conflict. If handled well, conflict can keep relationships strong. Keep the ratio of positive to negative encounters at 5 to 1.
5. Jealousy is a sign that your spouse cares about you. Jealousy is not a sign of true love. It usually stems from fear and low self-esteem. It can be a warning sign that power is out of balance in the marriage.
6. Passion fades - it’s a fact of marriage. Passionate love or urgent longing doesn’t last to the extent that couples expect it will, partly because spouses stop working on it. There are surprising and easy ways to reawaken arousal.
7. Wives need more romancing than husbands. The fact is that men have been found to be more romantic in their beliefs than women. Men want to be wooed (with a surprise dinner date, e.g.), women want to be supported (with household help, e.g.).
8. Couples should be able to discuss everything. All relationships have taboo topics - issues that partners simply don’t want to talk about. Finding a balance between self-disclosure and privacy is what counts.
9. Love becomes less important in marriages over time. Studies show that relationships lasting fifteen years or more include high levels of what is called companionate love, and companionate love should INCREASE the longer two spouses are together in a happy marriage.
10. Having separate lives keeps couples together long-term. Independence is a good thing, but research has found that if both partners are INTERdependent socially, emotional, and financially, there is a greater incentive to stay together.
Dr. Orbuch, known as The Love Doctor, is beloved by thousands of fans throughout metropolitan Detroit, to whom she gives relationship advice on her live TV and radio shows. She is the author of five relationship books and a newly released 3-CD set, Relationship CPR. You can find out more about her at www.detroitlovedr.com.